As of this week’s weigh in, I finally weigh less than my husband Martin.  I am ecstatic to say the least.  I have mentioned  this on the forums somewhere, but I just had to mention it again.   I am just really proud of myself over the last 3 months, and the last three years.  Things are finally coming together for me - my diet and exercise are in sync for the first time.  I’m compensating for one with more/less of the other.  I’m seeing a change in my body, and I just couldn’t be happier.

I had started this out as just a comment to a fellow RoW'er's blog from 12/29..but it turned into my own post it seems….:

“some part of me doesn’t know what I’ll do when I’m done.”….I totally get that!!! It’s easy after so many years of being fat to just start to believe that “fat” is your destiny, or truth. You know you’re going to start succeeding again when you get uncomfortable at the size you’ve gotten down to. I did that last year. I had used my new found love of exercise as an excuse to start eating more calories. And, I ended up gaining some weight back that I had worked so hard to lose already. Like I have said before, I am just now forgiving myself for that weight gain.

But, I am here now, and BL rejecting Garrett and I was not in vein, since I am kicking a$$ now and am finally combining both diet and exercise together.

I eat well, and move my body, and it’s something I know I will have to do for the rest of my life. I’m looking at food and it’s nutritional factors much differently this time. I am succeeding already. I am on kick to be positive since my trainer yelled at me for saying negative things about my body. She wanted me to give her a quarter for every negative thing. And, dang, I already give her enough of my money!!

I just wanted to say….that I am happy to have you all in my life now, as we all move towards the best version of ourselves. I am working towards accepting my new truth - of healthy living and staying committed to my goals….of someone who doesn’t always give into temptation and overeat. You all inspire me, and I hope that I inspire you!

*Let me preface this by saying that I am by no means a junk food junkie, but for some reason, I have never really had control with those foods like chips & dip, cookies, chocolate and appetizer-y things at parties. I have worked hard the past 3 years to be able to partake in these foods without fear of gorging, and the expected guilt to follow.*

So, I did ok at my friend’s house yesterday food wise. I grazed a bit, but we ended up being there almost 12 hours (we got there at 2 for her daughter’s bday party, and pretty much stayed until 2am with other friends). Even though I did have some good cheddar cheese, and she had veggies out for the dip, I still feel like I have a food hangover right now. I ended up having a couple small handfuls of peanut m&m’s by later in the evening. I had been staring at them off an on since we got there, and I honestly should have just asked them if we could put them away once the kids’ party was over. I still don’t have complete confidence to assert myself that way. They’re great friends and probably would have had no problem doing it, I just didn’t ask.

The annoying part came when we left, my stomach started to feel like garbage. Now, I know I had only had two small glasses of wine, so it was no way alcohol induced “ickiness”. I just knew that even though I had eaten in OK portions for the day, I still had some salt and refined sugar that I know now that my body really does not care to have me eat anymore. I was on the highway with my husband having these horrible stomach pains. As we talked on the way home, it was becoming more evident to me that these foods, although enticing for some ridiculous reason, cannot be a part of my life anymore. Forget my fears of binging on them at parties, the harsh reality is that these foods MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP!

So, long story short, on this overcast Sunday morning (I got up an hour ago, so it’s still morning to me!), I try to say goodbye to the snacky, salty comfort foods that I once had a love affair with. It’s like this is my Dear John Letter:

Dear chips, m&m’s, fatty dips, etc,

Although we have shared many binge-filled evenings on the couch at family gatherings, or just for the hell of it, I have to say good-bye to you. You have done nothing but fill me with low self esteem, swollen ankles and regret. Although you sometimes made me feel all comfy and safe inside, you were secretly working to make me feel bad about myself.

I don’t need you anymore, and frankly, have never needed you. I now realize that there are other things in my life that make me happy, and they make me AMAZING about myself.

So - farewell, my old love, but please know that I will not be missing you.

Sincerely,

Jessica

So, as I’ve mentioned in other threads, my trainer posted a pic of me with a testimonial about the Micro-Tri I took part in in 2006. It is mounted on hot pink paper with a huge hot pink arrow pointing to my pic. Since Tuesday, I have had people giving me double takes in the gym while I’m working out. It’s been a bit odd to deal with, but I guess no odder than if I had been plastered on NBC if we got cast.

One of the Y staffers came up to me this a.m. as I was leaving and said “I read your post on the wall, and it made me cry. It made me happy, and it’s very motivating to me.” It was a little hard to just say ‘thanks’ and go on my way. It’s just feels strange to have this attention. I know it is all positive, but I am just not used to it. I have worked hard, and a lot of people know my “story” at the Y about how I was very heavy, and my husband was sick…blah, blah, blah… I just have to be OK with the fact that even though people see my results and successes, I should not be putting any more pressure on myself to do well. I just have to be happy that people are proud of me and want to tell others about it.

Here’s the story and pic that was posted:

The Micro-Tri in 2006 was a extremely large achievement for me, as I had never ever run before, or taken part in a physical challenge voluntarily. I had just met Christine, and I trained for just about 6 weeks with her. I was very nervous. The whole experience was totally out of my comfort zone, but I knew that if I worked hard and did my best, that was all that I could ask for. Losing and maintaining a 75 lb weight loss has been a challenge for me, so to complete the micro tri was a major accomplishment and reward for all of my hard work. Having strangers chant your name while you swim your last lap is quite surreal, but it felt amazing. A woman came up to me afterwards and said that she was so touched by my effort that she was in tears during my last lap. As I came around the corner to finish my last lap running on the track, I burst out into tears. I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn’t help it. I’m not sure I could top that feeling right now. I was so proud out myself. Anyone who is nervous about taking part should put all of their fears aside. The staff, trainers (I heart Christine) and members of the Y are there to support and cheer you on. Making that move to get out of your comfort zone and do something good for your spirit, and the Reach out for Youth Campaign, is a reward you can’t get anywhere else.